Joshaya Meets Infertility
by victori-yesplz
Summary: All of her life Maya has grown accustomed to disappointment, so when she found out she would have trouble conceiving at the age of eighteen, it was just icing on the cake. Now, after an unexpected miscarriage, she finds herself pregnant again, facing the unexpected challenge of being a single mother, but also proving that history doesn't always repeat after Josh leaves her.
1. Chapter 1

For once in Maya's life, she thought she had it made: Marrying 'Uncle Boing', her fantasy crush since the seventh grade, becoming Riley's aunt by marital definition, but sisters by heart, the dream the two had always hoped to come true despite Josh's persistence that they couldn't date because of three years, meaning nothing after the ski lodge almost eight years ago.

When he had realized that Maya's heart was more loving than the words that came from her mouth, and realized the age difference didn't matter as much as he had thought, her heart and mind with wisdom that of an elderly person held. Her love story had came true almost immediately after realizing that she hadn't loved Lucas, only thought she did, leaving him for Riley.

Riley and Lucas had liked each other secretly all along, but feared hurting Maya, waiting for her to find herself then give her blessing, so that they could be together, and when she had found herself, she did. Their triangle wasn't a triangle all along, their friendship was what was important, and Maya realized she was what was keeping Lucas and Riley apart. Once she found herself, she wanted out of the 'triangle' that never was. People change people, and Riley Matthews' wasn't really the best person for her to be, but herself. Riley Matthews' was only the best friend she could be with.

So when Josh proposed her world turned for the best, she had everything she could possibly need, the man of her dreams, the niece of her dreams, and God holding her relationship together, bringing her through all this trouble in life just to show her that he was still there, and it became apparent when she walked down the aisle that day, he had bigger, better plans all along.

Cory escorted her down the aisle arm in arm, smiling as he felt tears stinging the back of his eyes, looking to Maya with pride only a father could feel. Behind her, Shawn, holding the tail of her dress as he watched his step-daughter waltz, one foot in front of another down the carpet, her face glowing, her smile bright, her cheeks rosy and her vibrant blues glossy with tears. Before letting her go, Cory kissed her on the cheek, releasing her arm and hugging her side before holding her hand in his, her other in Shawn's, watching as they proudly glowed at her.

"This is a new world for you now Maya; Make it good." Cory had smiled, and Shawn noded, kissing her on the cheek before leaving the blushing bride to her new husband.

They promised to be together no matter what: Sickness, health, thick, thin, but when Maya had been diagnosed with PCOS, "Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome", it was only the icing on her unleavened cake. She was still able to conceive but it was more difficult, cysts on her ovaries making it feel nearly impossible, and the only thing that scared her more than not having children, but finally having a child and then having Josh decide to leave.

He promised her month after month that she was the strongest, most beautiful person he knew, only to be turned away, Maya scuffing as she bitterly yanked her hands from his, and being kissed on the head by her husband before angrily stuffing the negative pregnancy test into the bottom of the trash can.

It stung that month after month she would get the same result, and pained her that everyone around her seemed to be getting pregnant. She didn't want it to be taken the wrong way of course, after all, Riley was her best friend and even though she just found out she was expecting a son in November Maya couldn't be more happy for her. The thing that burned the most was when her own mother, or even some of her closest friends, even her friends at her part time art teacher job at the rec center, would ask when she was planning to start her family.

The truth was, they had been trying for three years, denying IVF or whatever they were offered simply because they couldn't even afford the pre-payments, and many times after work Maya would come home crying after being reprimanded by one of her co-workers about their friend's or relative's success with IVF and how great it was, or how their in-laws had just adopted, when many times Josh and Maya discussed, and couldn't get approved for three more years. Though it would be worth the wait to give a child a well deserved home, they hadn't found the will to give up yet.

Maya and Josh came to the conclusion that if God hadn't intended for them to have kids they wouldn't, but didn't give up and after much prayer decided to intervene, Maya starting cycle regulation drugs only to become more and more disappointed each and every month. Adoption definitely wasn't out of the question, only the money. Until months later, after Maya had before long decided to call off all trying that she began to feel sick, receiving a negative pregnancy test when she took one, but nonetheless felt down and moppy, concluding it was just the flu.

Just an hour before they had to leave to meet Riley for work related discussions, Maya rolled around in bed, sweat dripping down her forehead as she rode out another wave a nausea. Josh was in the bathroom, getting dressed after his shower when she had bolted the door down, pushing him out of the way as she lunged for the toilet, hurling into the bowl with a white-knuckled grip, feeling as Josh's warm hands scooped her hair off her neck.

"Oh boing, that's not good." She groans, looking back into the toilet before leaning back against her husband's legs.

"Go lie down," He commands as she protests, "You're smarter than this to be trying to go to something we both know you wouldn't anyway if Riley wasn't your best friend and my niece."

After continuing this pattern for two weeks and much to her dismay, Josh convinced her to go to their family doctor, insisting that this wasn't just the average flu, a suspicion both on their minds but both of them too afraid to say, Maya standing firm on the ground that she didn't want to give herself false hope. So she and Josh had walked hand in hand, Maya's shaking in his, and he squeezes it, smiling down reassuringly at his wife.

"Hey, look at me. Whatever happens, we're in this together." He lifts her chin, looking directly in her shimmering eyes.

Maya nervously tapped her leg up and down on the white sterile paper beneath her bottom, the crinkle sound being emitted from it only adding to her angst. She wrung her hands together, pressing her knuckles into her palms, and nearly jumping a mile out of her shoes when the doctor finally came in.

"I'm Doctor Coenner," She outreaches her hand, shaking both Maya's and Josh's, "And we took time to review your blood lab results, including a routine pregnancy test."

"Josh," Her voice wavers anxiously, reaching over to slip her hand in his.

Maya's heart sunk in her chest despite knowing nothing of the results and felt her husband take her hand, looking with all seriousness at the doctor before she noticed the angst in their eyes, grinning as she only shook her head.

"Congratulations you two!" She beamed, watching as Maya nearly trips, hopping off the table and into her husband's arms.

Tears stream down Maya's face, her blue eyes nearly glassed over and her face flushed, her heart palpitating in her chest, feeling the joy burst out of her, something she wasn't sure she could describe. It was an overwhelming, nauseating, confusing, bubbly feeling but she also felt sick to her stomach with terror.

Josh on the other hand couldn't find the words to describe his excitement, only looking to his wife and with a glance they both realized that they were overjoyed, being hit with emotions like a truck. In that moment they didn't think they could love each other any more than they already did, but this baby proved them wrong.

"We're having a baby, Boing!" She literally chokes out her tears of joy, hugging Josh around the neck joyfully before burying her head into his chest.

That night Josh rolled over in bed, kissing his wife on the side of the head before resting his hand on her not-for-long flat stomach, praying over their young child and then kissing him or her, watching Maya's face blush, seeing the joy in her sparkling blues, looking like vibrant waves crashing on the shore.

"I love you, Maya Penelope Matthews. You're going to make the best mother to our child." He smirks, and she buries head into his chest, falling fast asleep.

* * *

 **Authors Note/ Disclaimer: All credit to MusicGirl1120: When first reading her fanfic, I fell in love with the idea of Jesse and Beca from Pitch Perfect struggling to have a baby because the truth is that it happens, and not every character has a fairytale ending. There are lots of aspects of infertility that hasn't been written about or can't be understood, thus triggering my want to write an infertility story of my own, and the idea to do a GMW one came after watching Ski lodge part 1, ( A Joshaya shipper because to be honest, they're adorable and I love the idea of Maya Being Riley's aunt, and Rucas) I'm sure im not the first person to think of writing an infertility story, but fearing plagiarism, wrote this note :) Please enjoy and all criticism welcome, after all, criticism helps writers grow :) Thanks for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2

As Maya fought back morning sickness, she pushed her tater-tots around her plate, cringing when they rolled through her ketchup, watery from being squeezed from a freshly opened bottle. She couldn't help but rest her chin suspiciously in her palms, watching in disgust as Riley and the other Matthews' ate in silence, occupied and content in silence.

Riley looked to her best friend and with her best intentions for Maya at heart, spoke up for the sake of everyone at the table, worried for Maya's hesitance towards eating. Miscarriage and pregnancy was a taboo subject to bring up, and Riley didn't want to pressure Maya into telling her if she was, and if she wasn't Riley couldn't bear seeing the heartbroken look strickin' upon her best friend's face.

"Maya," Topanga speaks up, startled by Maya's anxious glare back at her.

"No! Why does everyone assume that because i'm not eating? I'm just sick with the flu or something." She snaps, interrupting Topanga as she ignores the looks on everyone's faces.

Riley outreaches her hand, setting it on top of Maya's left as she sits down, pain painted clearly across Maya's face, making the lines of obvious fear and experiences appear apparent, clear that she and Josh had been through alot together. Maya feels tears sting the back of her eyes and she wasn't sure if it was hormones or the fact that the "elephant" in the room had kept her up at night with the obvious, the word she was so afraid to say or speak of but knew she couldn't ignore the obvious fear between her and her husband; _Miscarriage._

"Maya, you have every right to be hesitant to be excited, but you don't want that to keep you from enjoying it because it's not certain it's gonna happen." Topanga scoots next to Maya, wrapping her arm around her and pulling her in close.

No one mentioned the words 'Pregnant' or 'Miscarriage', but they all read Maya like a book, silently all knowing the page in which they were on, but too afraid to confirm it because they knew the answer was obvious. They left it up for Maya and Josh to verbally express the news, but for now they would live on and pray that her uneasiness would fade, and soon they would be able to speak of it aloud.

They finished their dinners' in silence, soon after Maya and Riley falling asleep together on the couch, and Josh, Auggie, Cory, and Topanga quietly played the family game at the table, realizing what the 'long game' had really entailed.

 **-XXX-**

 _Six months after being married, Josh and Maya had discussed the possibility of starting a family, but had they known the troubles of the rocky road they would walk, it wouldn't have changed the fact that they couldn't be prepared for all the heartbreak they would face._

 _Next to miscarriage but still not as painful in compare, was one night when Maya had realized that she was late and her heart grew hopeful, excited by the idea of picking up a test at the drugstore, but a small part of her still expecting to be disappointed. So when she went to bed that night, she kept her suspicions to herself, not wanting to implant false hope in her husband, or disappointment if she wasn't._

" _Boing," She whispers, rolling over in the dark to cuddle into his warmth._

 _She snuggles into him and he takes her in, letting her sink the entire weight of her body into his as he silently consoles her, reading her like a book even in the dark. He could tell just by the tone of her voice that something was on her mind, hurting her, and didn't pressure her into anything. Instead, he kisses her on the head, pulling the blanket snugly up around them, and they fell asleep in eachother's embrace._

 _Maya woke up warm and cozy on Josh's side of the bed, feeling the warm spot in which he had been laying. She had an excruciating pain in her lower left side, roughly above her pelvis and could only describe it as a burning, sharp pain, as if there were knives implanted in her ovaries._

 _Her heart instantly sank, the last bit of hope fading as she hugged herself around her lower stomach, groaning and moaning as she slowly yet painfully lifted her pillow and placed it beneath her stomach._

" _Ovarian cysts." She growls inside her mind, and longing for her husband to be curled up beside her._

 _She felt tears of frustration in her eyes, and hearing her husband's soft voice call from the kitchen, asking if she wanted tea, had only made her want to burst and her heart explode, unable to explain her pain and hopelessness to her husband._

" _Maya?" He paused in the doorway, seeing his wife curled into a tight ball, her cheeks flushed and tears vigorously streaming down her face._

" _Boing," She whimpered, her blue eyes wide and glossy._

 _Josh sighed sympathetically, crawling next to her and pulling her gently in his arms, rubbing his fingers through her hair and feeling her heartbreak just as much through these painful months. Her ear rested against his chest, listening to the calming rhythm of his heartbeat, calming her fear and she relaxed just enough to fall into a dazed sleep._

 _When she awoke she found her husband had left soup, still freshly cooked and some pain medicine beside her bed. She smiled, reading the note he had left her:_

 _"If you could see yourself through my eyes, you wouldn't believe what an amazing creation of God you are._ _You'd find a strong, driven, beautifully admirable woman with the heart of gold and the mind like a bull. Whole "Maya hart-tedly" do I love you, and forever am I blessed to call you mine. You're living proof that the long game (And patience) brings good things to those who wait._

 _I love you!"_

 _Her heart glowed as she re-read it for the fifth time before tucking it tightly in her drawer, a reminder through every heartbreak that their love could not be broken._


	3. More than bargained for

She couldn't sleep the night she made her first OB appointment nor the nights and days leading up to it. She found herself snuggled into her husband at night, and the morning of the ultrasound she felt fear bubble up within her, fearing and imagining the worst of scenarios. As she and her husband waited in the room she held his hand, struggling to keep hold of it with her clammy hand as it kept trying to break from his firm and loving grip.

As she lifted her blouse and placed a sterile white paper sheet beneath her stomach, tucking it into the waistband of her jeans, staring anxiously at the screen, anticipating the heartbeat but not fully expecting to hear one. It's not like she hasn't experienced the heartbreak not not having a heartbeat at all.

The Doctor slathered blue jelly over her stomach before searching her stomach with a weird wand like tool for the heartbeat, chuckling pleasantly as she watches Maya's blue eyes grow like saucers, the heartbeat filling the room much to her relief. Anxiety temporarily faded from their faces as she listened. But soon were they shocked back to reality when the doctor paused, her face expressionless before growing wide in surprise.

"Josh?" Maya's voice waves, shaking his arm and directing him towards the screen.

"Does your family on either side have a history of twins?" Dr. Coenner remarks, smirking to the parents as their faces froze.

Slowly their faces thawed into a huge smile, Maya's eyes glowing and the lines around her tired eyes softening, letting out a small chuckle as she looked to her husband, jaw wide open, literally looking as if it had hit the floor.

"Oh my goodness Josh!" Maya gasps, blindsided by the unlikely news, vigorously shaking Josh's shoulders and she sits up, "Twins?!" She looks to the nurse, looking for a confirmation that this had been real life, but even hearing it a second time didn't allow for it to sink in right away.

The ride home had been silent, Josh staring straight ahead, concentrating his mind to the road rather than his scrambled thoughts, until her feels his wife's hand tightening around his.

"Josh, you've been quiet." She remarks, breaking the silence in knowing that it just wasn't about the surprise of twins.

Josh feels tears roll down his cheek unexpectedly, all the tender emotions him and Maya had been sharing together in this journey washing over him, a bundle of nervousness to become a parent, excitement, and fear of the obvious.

"It's gonna be okay, whatever happens. Losing the babies doesn't mean we aren't parents or make us less of, because we still would have another baby waiting for us in heaven. Parenting is more than just a title." She assures him, her hand slipping into his.

"It's not the same! I want to experience the joys and troubles of parenthood! Not burying another child or watching the angst in your eyes as you miscarry. It doesn't make us less of parents in our definition, but when people ask if we have children, Telling them we have 3 babies in heaven isn't an answer I want to give, and neither is the awkward smile we give people."

Maya sighs, looking out the window as she feels tears stinging the back of her eyes, something neither one of them wanted to think about or discuss in public, but they couldn't ignore the obvious. Even when Katy Hart went out and her co-workers asked if she had become a grandmother yet, she would shake it off and reply "Three grandbabies waiting in heaven", avoiding an awkwardly personal conversation, and avoid someone's often awkward and insincere "I'm sorry".

"Who are we gonna tell first?" Josh finally speaks, angst in his voice.

"No one. We should let it sink in for ourselves first before we even think of announcing our pregnancy, let alone twins. This is a time for us to adjust, especially after all we've been through, we don't want anyone else to share the pain if, you know," She pauses, feeling a lump in her throat.

"Maya, we don't have to keep our emotions to ourselves in order to feel like we're not burdening others because trust me, we're not." Josh begins.

"We both know your family and mine has always been there for us, but to put them through the heartbreak. We need the support from others, I know that, but can we take another miscarriage? Who's gonna tell them after we get their hopes up?"

"You're always afraid of hoping for things, that's the problem. Can we live life in the moment and celebrate now, rather than living in fear and letting that control us over everything? Can you trust me on this?"

Maya sighs, nodding silently as Josh smiles back at his wife, noticing her tension ease as she half-smiles, the pain not disappearing from her eyes but softened by the reassurance of her husband.

 **-XXX-**

Christmas came and by that time Maya had already been popping a little since ten weeks, this pregnancy harder to conceal than any other, everything feeling to become tight twice as fast, though she knew that wasn't necessarily true.

She and Josh had spent weeks on how they'd tell the family, thought Topanga seemed to have picked up a vibe early on, and she and Josh agreed to tell Katy and Topanga, the two mother's Maya seemed to have admired most, and Josh's mom, the baby's paternal grandmother. She was now nearly four months along and telling everyone almost became inevitable as it did obvious that she was. She was excited but hesitant to share the joy, anticipating the reactions of each member of her family (both blood and not blood related).

"Trust me on this one," Josh grabs Maya's hand, watching as the family passed out gifts, Josh and Maya's individual gifts just a simple card filled with a picture of an ultrasound.

Maya had already rejected their christmas wine in replacement for instead bubbly grape juice, secretly switching the two out before anyone noticed her pouring herself a cup of the childish drink, one they only served to the younger kids, Auggie still not quite old enough to drink himself.

No-one (as far as she knew) noticed that she hadn't eaten any cookie dough, and keeping the surprise, especially from her best friend, hadn't been easy, but to her relief, she had made it this far as she prayed that God would watch over her little 'Jellybeans' each night.

"Peaches?!" She hears Riley happily gasp her childhood nickname, snapping out of her thoughts from hours before to realize what had surprised her friend before remembering the card.

Riley's eyes fill with tears Maya could only recognize to be those of joy, crawling from across the room to embrace her friend in a full hug, gently swaying her back and forth as the two girls cried lightly and happily together.

"Your parents always told me that family isn't just blood, but the ones you want in your life, so I was hoping you could be their god mom?" Maya asks sheepishly.

Anxious for a 'no' though she knew with Riley it probably wasn't a possibility for an answer. After all, Riley would do anything for Maya (even stepping back from Lucas). Riley only hugged her tighter, a non-verbal yes communicated between the two through hugging.

"We're happy for you honey. You both." Topanga smiles, hugging her second 'daughter' in her arms and Cory joining, the two her adoptive parents throughout the years.

"This is your world now, make it great so your children can enjoy creating one too. We want the world to be great for not only us but our children as well. We're always here to talk, but more importantly, listen." Cory reminds her, the one piece of fatherly advice only Cory would give her.

Maya sheepishly smiles, nodding her head as she turns to hug just Cory.

"I will Mr. Matthews; I promise." She whispers as they exchange smiles.


	4. We overcame the odds

Maya had less than four months and her husband hadn't wanted her to feel pushed into choosing names for their children, but the hesitance was heavy, and the tension thick. The fear she had felt all along had been destroying her from the inside, not wanting her husband to know how she had felt because she felt guilty for not being happy or excited during these last months of pregnancy. She felt like a terrible mother for not rushing to pick names, names that would help shape this child's character.

Josh and Maya were still young and working to pay off college debts. Maya had gone to NYU just to stay close to her fiance, receiving her major in special education, only showing her that she could amount to something, even someone as broken as she felt. Josh had received a double major in family counseling, something he could do with ease, words of encouragement and understanding that always came easy to him.

They had gone shopping for the babies bed and found it pointless to buy a crib, let alone two, when the babies could be just as comfortable in pack-n-plays, easily movable, less space consuming, and much cheaper than buying two cribs, especially for first time parents. But secretly it went without saying, Maya and Josh's motives for the cheap and convenient cribs was more than the money. Neither of them wanted to think of the possibility, pained them to think of how they had stached receipts in their desk full of bills to pay, and had even rejected the possibility of a baby shower.

"Baby girl, you're going to need to be prepared, and living in fear is only going to make this whole situation more stressful once the babies come." Her mother had reprimanded her gently, only with the best intentions at heart to shake Maya back into the optimistic reality that this was going to happen.

And though she knew Josh loved her she knew it could change in an instant, after all, her father left without a trace for just about nine years before returning after being asked. What if Josh didn't feel good enough, or strong enough to take care of Maya, or what if he didn't feel the instant love every father claimed to feel the second they held their child? Her whole pregnancy was full of _What if's?_ rather than rational thinking.

Maya cried when Josh had brought home a book of baby names, it all becoming real, not the fears themselves but the fact that everyday God brought them closer to holding their babies in their arms. Together after a long conversation Maya had agreed to look through it, and they spent the night writing down names they felt had meaning to their child, or fit just right.

"So baby 'A' will get our first pick, and 'B' will get whatever we choose last?" Maya confirms.

"It sounds like favoritism; Maybe we'll see who looks more like who before we give names, to be sure they fit them properly." Josh laughs, and Maya rolls her eyes.

Maya skims over the list, reading both the girls and boys side, finding her eyes always drawn back to the boys' side, feeling a strong inclination of the gender of her babies being boys despite the fact that her family in fact, only had girls. Josh had two brothers and a sister, but even then the predictability of these genders weren't clear.

"Read the girls' names for me please." Maya hands the list to her husband.

"Okay, the boys…"

"Are you biased for boys because you are one?" Maya teases, smiling as Josh nudges her, kissing her on the cheek.

"Um… Lucy, Eloise, Evelyn, Macey, Carter, Phoebe, Paisleigh, Finleigh, Lilah, Addilyn, Chloe, and Hazel."

Maya grabs back the list, looking in surprise to see that her husband had indeed crossed off the names he hadn't been qeen on.

"Boys are: Carson, Hudson, Peyton, Elijah, Calvin-,"

"Don't you think Peyton is too common? We want unique names like Uriah, or Ezra."

"But not so unique the kids at school give them a hard time, or names that people can't pronounce. Anyways, we're getting nowhere." She sighs frustrated, setting the book beside her bedside table.

Maya then reaches into the small lunch box below their bed, sliding it onto their bed and popping it in front of her astonished husband.

"Maya, we can't…" He insists.

"We're going to at least know so we can pick to names and be prepared. These children are going to have names no matter what. Even if they're…"

Josh rests his hand on hers, comforting her as he sensed her discomfort and awkwardness of the words in her mouth. She smiles as she lets go, resting her hand on the lunch box, only which Topanga had seen and prepared.

"You ready?" She asked for reassurance, unzipping it and beginning to remove the slip of paper from the ultrasound, containing one of the most important pieces of information.

Maya slides open the paper, cutting the sticker holding it shut with her nail, her eyes growing large, the brilliant blues reflecting the hesitant joy she felt inside as she leaned into her husband, crying in sync with him, the parents both happy and slightly less uneasy. This was becoming a reality, but none of it would feel real until they were looking down at their children.

"Well," Josh mutters, "I wasn't prepared for that."

 **-XXX-**

Maya slings her purse over her shoulder and exits her car, locking it behind her and entering the side of the school building in which she attended herself as a middle school student. Cory had gone back to teaching there after the girls had graduated, and had encouraged Maya to become one herself. Her passions had always been towards the special needs children, becoming a kindled interest when Farkle had been tested for autism, and but the flame had been lit when Isadora Smackle came into their lives.

It warmed her heart when the little girl whom she looked after as an aid each day (She felt more than an aid, but an advocate to help this little girl become something, just as Cory stepped up from teacher to father), admiring the beautiful way her brown eyes slanted and her smile stretched from cheek to cheek, her rosy red chubby cheeks perfectly complementing her curly brown hair.

"Hello Sadie! How are you today, sweetface?" Maya smiles, bending at the knees to make eye contact with her.

She giggles as she reaches for Maya's hand, leading her over to the small brown couch in the room near the white board. Though she couldn't speak much her actions definitely spoke louder than words. Her bubbly personality proved that she lead just as normal as a childhood as her peers, only with small little obstacles in her path. But nevermind them as she was constantly scaling over things, and when she did find one she deemed 'impossible', Maya would work through weeks and even months of helpful games and skills to help her overcome.

Sadie pulls a puzzle from her backpack, proudly showing Maya before dumping the pieces on the floor, just as the bell rang.

"I'll tell you what," Maya kneels to knee level and scoops the pieces together, "We'll play puzzle during recess if you work hard today."

Sadie surveys Maya as grabs the pieces with her small and chubby hands, tossing them disorderly into the box the best she could. Maya extends a pink, smiling at the child hesitantly takes it, giggling as she wiggles their locked pinkies back and forth, loving the new form of appropriate physical affection she could show at school. She was learning that hugs weren't always appropriate, that some people weren't going to enjoy a surprise hug.

"Everyone loves a high five or a pinky promise." Maya smiles reassuringly, zipping Sadie's backpack and adjusting her shoulder straps.

Children with Down syndrome were often affectionate, and unfortunately not everyone was going to feel friendly. Teaching Sadie to 'high five' instead of hug broke her heart, knowing that she meant no harm, but was important in order to avoid unfriendly experiences at public places like restaurants and grocery stores.

Sadie had speech difficulties and to make things easier with communication when her talker couldn't, Maya would often narrow down the choices she had to choose from in an attempt to make it easier.

"Was the main character in our book a dog," Maya holds out her left hand palm up, offering it as a choice for 'dog', "Or a coyote?" Maya lays out her other hand, waiting for her to high five the hand in which she thought was the correct answer.

Sadie touches Maya's left hand, indicating that she thought 'dog'.

"Close; A dog is like a coyote, but was Ralph the kind of dog we have in our homes? Yes or no?"

Sadie hits the hand which indicated no, then grabbed her pencil, Maya pointing to problem in which she had to answer. Sadie circled the picture of the coyote, and the two then moved on to the next, continuing until the bell had rung.

Maya truly enjoyed her job, the highs and the lows. Though she was exhausted at the end of the day, knowing the difference she could make in others' lives was an incredible feeling as well as rewarding, knowing it takes an incredibly patient, open minded and understanding person to entail what she did through her job. Sadie had truly become like her own, Maya with the child ever since she had started second grade.

It broke her heart when she had come to the realization that in a few short months Sadie would be left with a completely random substitute aid, change often uneasy for the child, and it killed her to know that she wasn't going to see her everyday. She would love to come back as soon as she could, three months of maternity leave was long enough.

"Josh!" She announces upon arriving home after school that day, "We've got discuss names."

She realized that day, when she called Sadie by her nickname, the importance a special name can make the child feel. She wanted names that were easy to remember, memorable, and meaningful, giving each twin a chance to be their own individual.

 **-XXX-**

The weeks leading up to her scheduled c-section, Maya and Josh had felt both anxious and unprepared, and the strong feelings of uneasiness still lingered deep inside Maya, fear of judgement from anyone who heard that she wasn't exactly excited yet, at the same time she could feel elated at the thought of holding her children. She felt confused and overwhelmed by her feelings, and the fact that her mother reprimanded her about not breastfeeding had only guilted her more.

"C-sections aren't giving birth! They're surgery!" A stranger with young children in line at the mall had argued and insisted to the point in which Maya left without her hot chocolate, crying over the phone as Josh tried to console her the best he could.

Maya leaned into her husband on their couch that night, reading over the pamphlets the doctor had provided her for care after birth, and she only cried harder, feeling as if she was ridiculed for choosing c-section. But it was obvious that the woman hadn't known everything they've been through.

She didn't know that having a baby, let alone twins was a difficult journey for the two of them and was quick to make the assumption that Maya wasn't doing what was best. It was clear she hadn't know she was pregnant with twins. It was clear she didn't know that Maya could bleed if she gave birth normally anyways, and twins were just as high risk. And with that realization she forgave the woman, knowing that if she saw her again that she'd just smile and nod, realizing you couldn't change how people treated you, but how you react to it.

"Maya, we both know this isn't an easy way out. Motherhood and pregnancy isn't easy, but we've overcome so much. God strengthened us and we conceived twins, but after this journey, no matter how these babies arrive into this world, you're still a mother, i'm still a father, and that won't change." Josh holds his wife close, feeling her heartbeat with his, her tears soaking his flannel but he wouldn't move, his job as a husband to be also a friend, comforter, family.


	5. Much to our relief (The babies are here)

Maya had been put on bed rest at thirty-four weeks, her blood pressure sky-rocketing to a dangerous high for mother and babies, Maya nearly passing out at work, and had realized that she was both stressed and hadn't been drinking enough water. She was bummed but after all they had been through, she hadn't wanted to risk the life of either child.

When Riley had gone into labor and Lucas had been back in Texas, Maya was right there with her, and now, a few months later, it killed Maya knowing that Riley had been going through PPD but felt the need to hide it, unwilling to confess to Maya though she knew it was obvious that Riley wasn't her chipper self since having the baby.

Eden was faced breech, his head laying against Riley's pelvis for the longest time before his heart rate plummeted and an emergency c-section was performed, crushing Riley's hope for her "Perfect" birth plan, though she knew these things never went as planned. Maya had dressed up, arriving in the operating room as her only one person she could have, watching as Riley half-heartedly smiled, anxiety filled in her eyes, and the pain meds take the edge off a little bit, her eyes fluttering as she forced them to stay open, the excitement of the baby coming greater than exhaustion.

Now it was her turn, waking up at the wee hours with what she assumed were Braxton Hicks, and grew concerned when they hadn't gone, but the pain stayed the same. It certainly wasn't time for the twins to be born and she felt her heart skip a beat and race as she shook her husband awake in discomfort, the two doing everything they could think of to help the pain but keep the babies in. But after an hour and a half and the kick counts at their lowest in the hours since going to bed, they had decided to call their doctor in hopes for an answer.

"Here, this should wake them up." Josh insists, handing Maya a glass of apple juice as he sets down the phone.

Maya hated this sweetened cider with a passion, but the sake of her children she swallowed in just a few short sips, gagging as she smacked her lips, trying to become accustomed to the awful taste.

At four, when there hadn't been much change but the contractions hadn't eased, just became longer. Maya stood, leaning her weight against her husband and resting her head on his chest as she swayed her hips side to side, Josh massaging her back and hips as she rocked in discomfort.

"We're leaving Maya; We both know this doesn't feel right, and you should be trusting your God-given instincts." Josh demands, insisting she makes her way to the car as they call the on-call OB.

"Josh, something doesn't feel right." Her voice quietly wavers as she reaches for his hand as he steers with his other.

"You're trusting your instincts Maya, and that's the best thing a mother can do for her children."

"Will they be okay?" Maya questions to herself aloud, the one thing that had been on both of their minds but neither one wanted to verbalize.

Upon arriving, they began to prick and poke the poor pregnant woman until they had found a vein that worked, Maya exhausted from all the commotion around her, the nurse setting up her IV, the calming sound of her baby monitor, comfortably wrapped around her abdomen, and the talking that was right there, a conversation between the nurse and her husband feeling distant though it was happening right beside her.

As she finally lay waiting on the cold, unexciting, sterile and unhomely room, she shakily reached her hand to her husband, gripping her sweaty hand in his firm grip, and though from the waist down she felt weak and numb, it comforted her knowing that the one thing she enjoyed most, holding his hand, could still be done.

"Okay Maya, you're gonna feel some pressure." She hears from behind the large blue paper cloth, feeling as though an elephant had just dropped on her chest at the sound of hearing that her babies were making their entrance.

Maya feels warm tears stream from her eyes down her cheeks, the bright lights above her becoming blurry as she tries to ground herself, trying to cling to the surrounding around her, everything become overwhelming and surreal. She feels for her husband's hand, attempting to hold on tighter and he senses her fear, brushing the little bit of hair peeking out of her cap back from her sweaty forehead. '

Everything happened faster than her mind could keep up, the uneasy silence becoming filled with the cry of her first baby entering the world, being seen by random strangers clothed in blue, nothing but their serious eyes staring at its naked body. Maya felt cold just thinking about being naked in a cold looking, metal room, but nonetheless felt relief flood over her, not completely, but relaxed knowing that one child had made it into the world.

"It's a boy!" She hears one nurse announce, sounding muffled from beneath her mask.

It was only seconds after she caught a glimpse of her baby, his dark, downy coat of hair like his father before being whisked away, two nurses wrapping him with his cord still attached and taking him to the NICU almost immediately upon birth.

This hadn't been the magical experience she had been hoping for, but birth itself was a messy, beautiful thing. After all, gold miners have to get dirty before finding the treasure, and the effort and work was definitely rewarding. Maya then laughs, unable to believe he was comparing the two at the moment. Birth was far messier but worth it. She and Josh had made it to the part in parenthood where their children were in there arms, breathing, but not completely in the clear.

"Okay, he definitely looks like an Ezra." Josh insists, but Maya wasn't sold.

Josh leans over and kisses his ecstatic yet hesitant wife on the forehead reassuringly, watching her blue eyes swell with another round of tears, this time of relief as the second baby makes its entrance, silent compared to its brother.

"Eloise," She coos, catching a glimpse of her healthy baby girl before being taken to her brother.

It was like the thick fog had began to lift, and though their path wasn't exactly clear, there was comfort in knowing that God had began to show them the light, their two beautiful babies, and though they weren't out of the woods, they had made it through many of the thickest, darkest unknowns.

"Maya Penelope, did I tell you that you make me the happiest husband and father alive?" He blushes, kissing his wife on the forehead before she shut her eyes, giving into all the medicine that she had been fighting against. Even though it was a huge breath of relief, she still had that lingering guilt of not feeling as ecstatic as everyone said she would.

 **-XXX-**

Maya smiled as she watched the father rocked in the chair beside her bed, watching as the babies lay in nothing but their diapers on their fathers bare chest, burrowing into the warmth of the "skin to skin" contact they had felt, soothing any anxiety babies their size would feel after being born early. It was truly the best thing for them, and as Josh held them up on his chest, she felt her heart melt and her fears fade temporarily.

But when Josh had offered Ezra to her while attempting to change Eloise's diaper for the first time, Maya had been hesitant, having the 'new mother' guilt towards holding her child while having these thoughts of unhappiness. Could her child feel her coldness towards holding him? Maya wasn't hesitant to love them, but the fact that so many people told her she would fall immediately in love and she didn't guilted her. Truthfully she felt nervous and afraid, and maybe it was because of her past, or maybe it was because it still felt unreal, but she knew she loved them deeply. She just wasn't prepared for all these emotions hitting her at once.

After delivery, her children had been taken to the NICU to be examined, both in okay health other than low birth rate and slightly under-developed lungs, both infants on a ventilator, but nonetheless healthier than any mother could have wished, much to her relief. They had been blessed with good health, for that she was thankful. But the agonizing two hours before she could even meet them had killed her.

Josh returned to their room shortly after Maya had been stitched up and became comfortable, holding her hand as she rode through waves of nausea due to the heavy medication she had been on. She felt heavy sobs reign over her and the lumps in her throat eased, anxiety prevailing over her for the first time since she had told Josh two weeks before they were born that she wasn't happy.

" _Do you think every mother celebrates getting up at two a.m and that's the reason they're having kids? Do you expect a mother to enjoy every moment of dirty diaper changing, spit-up cleaning fun? It's normal to feel unhappy because of hormones and new experiences that you haven't done before. But I promise you, this does not make you a bad mother. But they're loved beyond measure, and more than we ever know. And isn't there comfort in knowing the ones that aren't in our arms are loved and being taken care of by God?"_

Maya was grateful that the Matthews' family seemed to be gifted with wise words that were comforting, as if everyone born into their family had the ability to always seem to say the right thing, even if it was just listening. Josh had been just as wise as his brother, making the same silly mistakes every young adult made growing up, but learning the lessons just the same. Life was a puzzle and God was showing them how to put the pieces together.

"Josh, don't get me wrong, i'm extremely thankful and at the same time overwhelmed."

"You know Maya," He says smiling, "I'd be more concerned if you weren't feeling anything at all; This just means you're human." He kisses her on the forehead reassuringly, stroking back her matted hair.


	6. No place like (the bay window)

Maya rocked the carrier with her foot containing her six-week old daughter sleeping soundly inside while her son nursed in her arms. Riley contently listened, nodding to everything Maya had said as there wasn't anything more helpful right at that moment than listening to everything her friend had to say that she had felt.

PPD had been a huge factor in Maya's life at the moment and she felt as if she was burdening her husband by projecting her worries on him and Riley. They were both willing to listen, but she had felt as if in the weeks that her twins had been born, her and Josh had been somewhat pushed apart. Maya's behavior felt as if it was putting a strain on their marriage as well as the children, and Josh felt that this was one life lesson that his older brothers could not have prepared him for.

Of course he knew parenting wasn't going to be easy, that was a given. But he hadn't expected to be pushed to new limits of frustration and new techniques of compromises that showed that some of their parenting ideas weren't so similar. One thing they did agree: That this would not be a fifty-fifty share of anything, but equal partnership in every task including diaper duty and bottle feeding, which Josh could do when Maya could not be home to pump.

"Maya, none of this is your fault! It's the ever present, so called 'Joys' of parenting."

"That's what some clueless, single therapist called it." Maya grumbles, feeling tears sting the back of her eyes in frustration as she refused to let them slip.

"Mistakes don't define us, but help us shape ourselves from the lessons we learn. And you're learning that parenting isn't easy and you're going to mess up, but no one is perfect. You're going to turn out just fine as long as you make sure that you talk to your husband about how you're feeling." Riley assures her.

Ezra stirs from Maya's chest, sleepily searching for her breast again after letting go, whimpering a little as Maya readjusts him, getting ready to feed Eloise. Riley's son was now seven months old and looking everything like his momma, from the deep brown eyes to a fine, fluffy coat of brown hair, and a smile that stretched from cheek to cheek when he smiled. His eyes had a certain twinkle in them, lighting up almost as intensely as Lucas' did when he looked still so madly in love with his wife.

"Girls?" Topanga asks in surprise, waltzing past Riley's old room with a basket of freshly washed towels and stopping in the doorway.

"Hey, Mrs. Matthews." Maya waves nonchalantly, setting Ezra back in his seat and lifting Ellie from hers.

"You girls do realize you're grown adults, right?"

Riley and Maya look to each other, flashing a quick smile before looking back at her mother, aged quite a bit despite being a younger mother for Riley's age.

"Of course Mrs. Matthews! We just like to come back to make sure we don't lose our childlike wonder. It's our childhood and this place here, your home and the bay window, that helped shape us. It's where we can return for safety."

Topanga smiles, the lines around her blue eyes smiling gently just as her full lips did, a reassuring and comforting smiling Topanga had always had, one that comforted the younger girls and made them feel safe. As she left Maya sighs, turning back to Riley.

"I...I had a dream last night, and I'm not sure what it meant. But I woke up in tears Riles, and I don't know if it was based off something that's been happening in my actual life! What do I make of this?"

Maya felt close to tears just thinking about what had set her off last night. Maybe it had been the fact that she woke up to find Josh not in bed, but instead in the nursery, a slight panic hitting her chest when she first awoke, her haunting childhood memories playing mind games with her. She sat up and breathed heavily, her hauntingly beautiful eyes full of stress and fear, angst in which she could not ease.

She knew the tell tale signs, or at least she thought she did. When her dad had left there hadn't been much warning, and she had only been six. He went out for a walk and never returned, and everything seemed fine up until that, as far as she knew. But of course Katy had been protecting her to keep her from feeling like it was her fault. Kermit had not felt ready for a family and she was worried Josh would feel the same way after the stress of providing for twins and two adults. God would never give them more than they could handle, but what would be Josh's breaking point if he were to reach one?

Kermit leaving had not been and was not Maya's fault, he had not felt good enough for his family. What if Maya had made Josh feel that way since there wasn't much other than comfort he could give her when she felt down on herself. And even then she could tell he felt helpless and useless to her, wanting so badly to help, the want big in his eyes but backs away upon request.

"He needed a 'walk' in the dream, Riles. My dad needed a 'walk'. What's in common is when things get tough, everyone seems to feel the need to disappear for awhile, like a long walk is gonna solve their life problems. The only difference is that I didn't wake up from the dream of my dad leaving; I'm living it."

"Maybe Josh was just overwhelmed? Everything that's going on between you two is causing so much worry it's making its way into your dreams."

"He's overwhelmed?! I'm thinking we both should be equally." Maya scuffs in disbelief, cringing at the thought of her c-section scar across her abdomen and the excruciating pain that had followed the weeks of recovery.

"It would take a real coward to leave his family when the going gets tough. But I don't think he would leave to hurt you Maya. Maybe he left because he knew it would hurt more to tell you in person that he didn't feel good enough. But this is normal for a new baby to test a relationship, and don't read too much into a little dream being a sign that he's not happy. If something is bothering either one of you, talk about it. It's the only way to hopefully open up a communication line between you two."

Maya smiles, surveying the brunette, her eyes still as bubbly as when she was a teen, her personality still lively despite getting up each night to feed her son, as if motherhood hadn't aged her one bit. They lean in a hug, knowing and thankful that even motherhood hadn't change their 'extraordinary relationship', but were support for each others as mothers, and now as family, Maya becoming Riley's aunt by marriage.

"You know, you're definitely your father's child. You always know just what to say, and when not to say anything at all." Maya slightly teases her, but also meaning it.

"We now know that the most important part of any relationship is still 'C'; Conversation." Riley smiles back.

 **-XXX-**

Maya hadn't wanted anyone to visit her the day her twins were born, not even Riley, her mom, or any of the Matthews, and even when she had returned home four days later, she wanted to be left alone, the new mom guilt game strong. She rocked in the nursery, silently staring into the light colored walls until her husband stood in the doorway and cleared his throat.

Maya didn't feel like a mother, even by feeling the touch of her newborn's soft and small hands on her chest, and she felt nervous, like she was balancing on the edge of a cliff. The sound of her own children crying both broke her heart and left her feeling helpless when she tried everything to calm them and couldn't just because they were fussy.

She knew she loved her children, that was something she had known she felt deep down from the day she found out she was pregnant. But until she had actually held them for the first time did it become more real, and for the first time she felt that she could breathe. After living nine months in the dark, fearful even after being reassured several times by her Obstetrician, she laid awake often, concentrating on feeling any lack of movement from her babies.

Now, two months after her babies were born, she lay in bed with an overwhelming sadness washing over her, feeling so nauseous that only crying could make her feel better. She didn't understand why the need to cry felt so sufficient to curing her nausea, but she knew a good cry would at least cure some of her physical feelings, not the emotional ones.

But when Maya came down with the flu, she thought her world felt like it was over. Not caring for the twins made her feel like a terrible mom, whether she could control the situation, (Choosing to lay in bed and drag her feet at work) or not, (Like the flu). Josh constantly assured her it wasn't something in her control and that it did not make her a bad mom, but Maya insisted until the point of exhaustion that she had been fine, that she had just been overwhelmed.

"Hey beautiful," Josh grabs Maya and pulls her in, hugging her snugly around her waist, and making Maya feel skeptical and uncomfortable about her leftover 'baby' weight once again.

Josh notices Maya's flushed face, her blue eyes weary and aged with exhaustion, the wrinkles around them making it apparent that she hadn't slept for a great while. Her lips shivered uncontrollably, bouncing up and down despite the fact that she literally looked as if she had been sweating.

"Maya, you look awful…"

"Thanks honey, that's what every woman loves to hear." She adds with a sarcastic remark, collapsing back onto the couch.

"If you'd let me finish, I was going to say 'awfully tired'. Are you feeling alright?"

Maya looks to him with annoyance, leaning over to lay on his shoulder and curled into him. He could feel the heat from her body and neck radiating from her and brushed her hair off her shoulders, doing the best a man could to get his wife's hair up and of of her neck and face.

"I think i'm getting sick…" She moans, pushing herself off of Josh's shoulder and leaning to grab the couch pillow, cold from sitting in the cool room unused all day.

Maya hugs her chest, her breasts aching from having gone the past four hours without pumping successfully. She knew her breast ducts were clogged, and it had felt like there were glass shards tearing through her tissues. She groaned as she slightly rolled over on them, tucking a pillow underneath her head and her pregnancy pillow around her body.

As the twins began to cry, Josh gently brushes back Maya's hair, kissing her on the forehead before standing up, watching Maya curl up tighter as he leaves the room, taking over mommy duty for the night, until Maya could take care of herself (that was if she wasn't continually too stubborn to admit when she needed help).

Bouncing a twin on each shoulder, he hears Maya retching through the closed bathroom door down the hallway, his heart sinking at the thought of his wife in such discomfort, but nonetheless would her sassy attitude stay.

"Josh, I'm dying!" She eventually groaned, feeling her hot skin calm as she laid her head against the cool tile floor.

"You're not dying." He stifles a laugh, setting down the babies and making a makeshift pillow with a towel, placing it beneath her neck.

He warmed bottles of frozen milk in the sink, waiting for the breast milk to thaw while the twins cried, looking to be consoled by the feel of their mother's warm chest while they ate, unable to get near her in order to not get sick. This had been Maya's first time since they had the twins to get sick, and she hadn't loved mothering and having explosive stools at the same time.

" _Oh the Joy's of motherhood."_ She thought to herself as she coughed into her elbow, feeling a shooting pain in both her breasts.

Her head hurt, she radiated heat from her forehead and neck despite feeling chills, and the vomiting hadn't slowed down since she started three hours before, feeling her mouth with a bitter taste but she couldn't keep any liquids down. Around eight that night, when Ellie was asleep and Ezra was content in his bouncer (a very rare moment in this household) Josh sat beside his wife in the bathroom, her head resting on his lap.

He was quick to grab her hair as she gripped the side of the toilet seat, vomiting profusely into it with uncertainty that anything was actually coming up. He grabbed a pony from the counter and tied her hair up in a loose, low pony the best one man could, rubbing her back as she went on to spend the rest of the night on that floor.

Waves of nausea rode over her, her mind and vision spinning as she shut her eyes tightly, groaning and rolling over on her side to lighten the pain from her one side and transfer it to the other.

"Do you want me to call Riley and tell her we're not coming for the fourth of July barbeque this weekend?" Josh asks as Maya stands, trudging towards their bed eager for sleep.

"No, that's crazy. It's a stomach bug that'll pass in a day like they all do." Maya waved him off, and Josh respected her want to throw-up in peace, though he longed to be by his wife's side.

"I'll go get you some Gatorade and toast. You need something in your stomach."

He looked down at his daughter now curled in his chest, longing to be able to have the same bond Maya did breastfeeding them, feeling as though his role in skin to skin wasn't important, despite Maya reassuring him of the benefits they would find from it. Of course he would take the pain, the emotions, the dread of everyday from his wife, (He really didn't want the shooting glass pains in his "breasts.") to see her happy, mischievous smile for another day. The smile that illuminated her blue eyes and formed from her eyes, stretching to her cheeks, and the way she would giggle like she first did when she had proclaimed her crush on his in seventh grade.

After Ellie and her brother were content, Josh knocked lightly on the wooden bathroom door of their bedroom's bathroom before kneeling besides his wife, curled into a ball beneath her blanket on the cool floor.

"Maya, I'm worried about you more than the fact that you've come down with something." He nervously wrings his hands together before brushing her sweaty hair from her forehead.

"Yeah, i've been up five or more times at night taking turns with the twins, and I've been taking glass bullets to my chest just to make sure our children are fed."

Josh smiles, laughing lightly before Maya crawls into his lap, resting her head against his, feeling as his warm arms take her body into his.

"You know, you don't have to breastfeed." He adds.

"Josh, I've told you before why it's beneficial to feed them myself." She insists.

"But who are you really benefitting? The babies sense your tension and won't stay latched because they're uncomfortable. They're not getting enough to eat and you're miserable trying! Are you feeding them because everyone else's' expectations, or what you think is best?"

"Josh," Her voice wavers, close to tears, "I'm just trying to be the best mommy to our babies. Unfortunately everyone has different stances on parenting, and when I see another mom I can't help but compare myself to her, and feel like what i'm doing is wrong."

Josh feels his heart drop in sympathy for her as he interlocks his hand in hers, lifting her chin to meet his eyes with the other.

"Your main focus is to love these childrens and raise them to be respectable people of society. And how you take that approach is however you see fit. Not what another mom said worked for her, because everyone is different. You and I for example, we grew up completely opposite, yet you still have the greatest capacity for love I've seen. Our children are lucky that God chose you to be their Mama."

Maya nuzzles her head into his shoulder, her body shaking profusely against his as he holds her tight, soothingly rubbing his hand in circles around her neck and shoulders, gently massaging in order to ease the tension. The two sit in silence together for quite awhile until they hear the faint cries of the twins in the bedroom. Maya sighs before heading out, throwing her blanket around her shoulders like a cape and picking up Eloise from her crib, her face beet red from crying.

As she heads to the cabinet, she bounces her on her shoulder, opening the cabinet with one hand, and pulling out the formula. Before breaking the tin seal with her nail and peeling it off and tossing it into the trash, she checks the expiration date, still good. As she runs the warm water to measures the formula into a bottle, she feels something inside her let go, and it felt as if someone had just pumped air back into her lungs.


End file.
